Our Adoption Story Part 14--The Starbucks Summit

This is part 14 of our adoption story.  I am only about one-third of the way through the story.  If you'd like to read about how God brought Rebekah home to us, go back and start with Part 1 and meet me back here each day as I tell a little more of God's amazing story in blessing us with our daughter. 

A Monday in May 2008 was what I refer to as THE STARBUCKS SUMMIT.  This day is one of the most unique in my life and in our adoption story.  Our lawyer asked us to meet with him over lunch to wait for her grandmother's bus to arrive and we would then meet her for the first time.  During lunch he tried in vain to explain to us what the Thai legal system expected of us and what procedures we should be preparing for.  His lack of English and our lack of understanding the Thai way lead to a lot of gray area for us.

After lunch, his wife--who was with us--jumped up from the table, took Deer, and walked to the bus station to get Grandma. After awhile we too left the restaurant with Kuhn Joe.  When we emerged from the restaurant I saw his wife across the street walking back from the bus station with Grandma.  Kuhn Joe said, "We go to Starbucks now.  We'll meet her at Starbucks."

In my mind I was thinking, "Starbucks?!  Are you serious?  This sweet and very poor woman who is fresh off the bus from the sticks of Thailand is going to have to go to Starbucks with us crazy westerners?  We're going to subject her to the audacity of Starbucks while we ask her if she would mind if we adopt her granddaughter?  This seems like a really bad venue for a really important question."  But what could we do?  We, clearly, were not in control.

From across the street I could see that Grandma had indeed endured some hard years.  Her frame was bent, her build was slight, her teeth were gone.  I was filled with compassion.  Rebekah's next older half-sister had made the journey with her.  She seemed like a healthy, sweet, shy Thai teenager.

In we all walked to Starbucks.  What a strange crew.  Kuhn Joe asked Grandma what she wanted to drink.  She, of course, looked at him bewildered.  Did he think she would say, "Oh I'll take a tall skinny latte, no foam."  She was probably wondering why one coffee cost the same as seven average Thai meals combined.  Kuhn Joe looked at me and said, "Buy everyone frappaccinos."  Okay.  Whatever you say.  And so I did.  I was insanely nervous.

We sat down and Kuhn Joe began to ease his way into revealing why we were all sitting there together.   It was all in Thai, but I'm hopeful that he described us, our calling from God, our desire to give Deer the best life that we could, and then I'm thinking he gently probed her for her thoughts on the matter.

She said very, very few words during the whole meeting.  She didn't make too many facial expressions either.  Mark and I had no way of reading the situation.  Thankfully, Hannah, in her stroller made for some helpful comedic interludes.

Ultimately, Grandma seemed happy and willing to agree.  She didn't make a big show of emotion, but nodded her head as if to say okay.  We snapped a few photos, breathed a sigh of relief, and prayed silently that she really understood what we wanted.

We also prayed silently that she wouldn't change her mind or that she wouldn't use this opportunity to bribe us.  Bribery in Thailand is as common as getting a physical.  Everyone does it once a year or so.  It's expected.  It's everywhere.  We were truly concerned about that for the entire three years it took to bring Deer home.  But, Grandma never tried it and neither did anyone else, thank God.

The Starbucks Crew: Hannah, Jen, Grandma, Deer, Deer's Half-Sister, Mark, and Kuhn Joe.  I now see that Kuhn Joe is holding a wad of cash in his hand... 

Hannah is doing her best not to lose her mind in this one. 

That night our friends Dave and Shirley sweetly hosted Deer's family for the night.  Deer chose to stay with us, which was wonderful once again.  We tried to get some rest as we anticipated another make it or break it moment the next day--the interview with the Chiang Mai Juvenile Court Social Worker, who was the gate keeper to the court. 

Minor Pause

I so wanted to blog about meeting Rebekah's grandmother today. But I do not have the energy!  It's past midnight and I have four sick daughters.  It's been a full day.  I thought I would share with you a picture of the medicine we brought home today after going to the doctor.  There are 14 different medicines on my kitchen counter right now.  I have no idea what they are--I can't read the labels.  As I make my kids swallow foreign pills I pray, "Lord, you brought us here.  You put us in Japan where I cannot read about the risks and benefits of what I am putting inside my childrens' body.  This is on you.  You're going to have to protect them.  Please, please do!  Amen."

Our Adoption Story Part 13--first of many adoption trips to Chiang Mai

Kuhn Joe did some research at the Chiang Mai Juvenile Court and determined that the next step was for us and Deer's grandmother to appear in court before a panel of judges to be given permission to apply for the adoption (yes, we needed permission just to apply--not your typical adoption).  However, prior to this panel, we would all three have to appear in person, along with Deer, to be interviewed by a court appointed social worker.  This pre-interview was a chance for the court to gather information and determine if they would even allow us to appear before the judges.  No, we could not talk to the social worker over the phone.  No, it could not be done by mail.  Yes, we both had to go.  So, we needed to fly to Chiang Mai and Deer's grandma needed to take a bus from Nan to Chiang Mai so that we could meet, make our intentions known to her, ask her permission on moving forward, and then be interviewed by a social worker together (you know, just your run of the mill jaunt to Thailand).

Trying to conserve some cash, Mark and I got tickets (with Hannah, 13 months, on the lap) and knew that we would need to leave behind Zoe (then 4) and Abby Grace (then 2) for about a week.  I was fairly anxious about leaving two of my children three airplane flights away from me.  Even though Okinawa and Thailand aren't too far from one another, it does take an entire day to get to one from the other.  We had begun viewing Deer as our own child and we had left her many times already.  We knew we would have to step out in faith and leave our birth children at times in oder to make our adoptive child our own--it sounds neat and tidy now, but at the time, this momma had to do some serious soul searching and begging the Lord for His protection over them.  Any mom who has flown or traveled without her kids knows it's a bit of a crises of faith, as you weigh the necessity of what you're doing with the risk that your children will suffer a bit without you, and could potentially suffer forever if something awful happens to you.  But, we knew God had called us to this and so we had to lay it on the line.

Our precious friends, Buddy and Jen Rathmell and their three kids, agreed to take our kids.  The Rathmells were and are like family to us.  They live(d) life in a wildly different way than we did and I knew Zoe and Abby Grace would be wide-eyed and laughing hysterically all day each day until they plopped on the floor and fell asleep each night during our week apart.  I really don't think they missed us.  They still talk about Ms. Jen Rathmell popping popcorn on the backyard grill, making it rain popcorn, and them running around and gobbling it up.  She leaves an impression, that Ms. Jen Rathmell.

When we landed in Chiang Mai we began getting stares from the locals at the airport.  They were really fixated on the car seat that we brought with us.  One person even stopped us in baggage claim to get a closer look at the contraption.  Our friends who picked us up were kind enough not to laugh in our faces when they saw the car seat.  Suffice it to say, it was hugely impractical to bring it along and it got little to no use.  You'll see why in the pictures below.

We picked up Rebekah the next morning at her church, as it was a Sunday.  I remember well being exceedingly excited to see her.  She was in Sunday school and we had to wait to see her until after the sermon.  I could not sit still in the pew.  I was practically coming out of my skin with anticipation.  When we finally saw her, we hugged and cheered, and took her to lunch.

Following lunch, we had to take some mode of public transportation back to the home of our friends and Cadence colleagues, who were kindly letting us stay with them for the week.  We took a songtaew, which is a pickup truck with two benches, a roof, and a door over the bumper that passengers use to get on and off.  Thankfully we left our car seat at home that day. 

We headed over to Deer's orphanage, which is very close to our friend's home.  Here we spent time with the girls in Deer's home.  They knew us from our prior missions trips--especially Mark who had been at least three or four times already. 

Mark turns into a different person at the Im Jai House.  He has such a heart for hurting kids.  He becomes a one man circus.  He dances for the kids, sings songs, does hilarious shows acting like a dinosaur whom we have named Valausoraptor, and more. 

Love this one: 

After spending some time at Im Jai we took Deer back home with us for the night, which was a great joy to us.  We had a big day to get ready for.  The next day we would meet her grandma, she would be seeing her grandma for the first time in over five years, we would be asking her grandma if we could adopt her, and we would all be appearing before a social worker who would determine if we could or could not move on to the next step.

The next day would be the first of many make it or break it moments for us.  If the grandma said no, we were done.  If the social worker said no, we were done.  Our very calling from God and desire to be Deer's mommy and daddy was dependent on each tiny step forward.  We swung from anxiety in our circumstances to peace in God's sovereignty.

I can't wait to tell you about the next day tomorrow.  It's one of my favorite and most unique adoption memories!

Our Adoption Story Part 12--Kuhn Joe Reports Back

In early February 2008, Kuhn Joe sent me an email asking me to call him.  He had been to Im Jai to meet Rebekah and he had found her grandmother.  Of course I called right away.  First he told me that he and his wife had been to meet Deer and that she was very sweet and very happy about being adopted by us.  That was wonderful and petrifying at the same time, since we had no control over the adoption actually being a success.  He snapped a few photos of her while he was there and emailed them to me.

Deer holding a card she drew for us and gave to Kuhn Joe to send to us. 

Deer holding a gift Kuhn Joe brought to her. 

Deer in front of Joe and his wife. 

After hearing the good report about Deer I was dying to know what happened with her grandmother.  Kuhn Joe said that he took what little information the orphanage had regarding her grandmother's whereabouts and he got in his truck and headed in the general direction of her home.  After driving for about 8 hours toward her region he began to roll down his window and ask people on the street for help.  Eventually, he found her tiny shack in the midst of the town of Nan.  He and his wife asked if they could come in.  

He told me that they had to choose their words very carefully.  They did not yet know the character of Deer's grandmother.  They did not know her family, her village, or what kind of pressures she might face if others were to find out an American family was pursuing her granddaughter.  In his broken English he couldn't really communicate to me what he said to her and Deer's aunt, half-sister, and other onlookers.  But evidently he told her something to the effect of needing her to come to Chiang Mai to handle some legal matter with her granddaughter there.  She agreed to come.  

Kuhn Joe left her with enough money for bus tickets for herself and for Deer's next older half-sister to escort her, told her which day to come to Chiang Mai, got the cell number of a friend or relative nearby, and was off.  His business there was done. 

He reported all of this to me very matter-of-factly, but of course I was in shock.  He found her?!  He drove for 8 hours, asked complete strangers for some tips and he found her?!  No way. 

He spoke to her?  He went into her teeny impoverished little home and chatted with her?  

And then he left her money and gave her a date to get on a bus and drive for a whole day to eventually meet with him again?!  And she agreed to do so?  I wondered if she even had a calendar or a clock or a way to remember on which day to travel!  Would she actually come?  I asked him if Did he think she would spend the money first and then not make the trip?  I was so bewildered by all of these developments. 

What a praise to have found her!  But now it felt like my list of prayer requests to the Lord was getting increasingly long and complicated.  So many details.  So many tasks for this woman I did not know to complete in order for us to fulfill the call God had given us.  Whoa.  This was out of my league.  All I could pray was, "God, You know what You're doing, right?  You've got this, right?  I have no control whatsoever over this.  There's a sweet little orphan who's hanging in the balance on this.  You see her, right?  Help us please.  Help her grandma.  Help her.  Oh my goodness, Lord, keep me from hyperventilating. Amen." 

Our Adoption Story Part 11--Attack?

If you are reading this blog for the first time, I am in the midst of retelling our faith journey to adopting Rebekah.  She has been our daughter for two years now (our 2nd Gotcha Day was just a couple days ago!).  Bringing her into our family was truly a work of the Lord and I wanted to share the story with you.  I know many readers are in the pursuit of adoption and my hope is that our journey will encourage you.  Scroll down and start with Part 1 if you want the whole scoop.


As I was scrolling through photos for my next post I was reminded of the tumultuous time the fall of 2007 was for our family.  At that time we had contacted the Thai government and our Thai lawyer.  We were waiting to hear from our lawyer about the next steps.  We were fully committed to adopting Rebekah and we were preparing ourselves to do whatever it took to make her our daughter.  


That fall our family was so sick all the time.  And by sick I don't mean we had the sniffles.  We were actually in and out of the ER and hospital, and I even did a stint in the ICU.  Looking back now, Mark and I feel like it was likely a spiritual attack.  The enemy saw our commitment to adoption and knowing that human adoption is a picture of our spiritual adoption in Christ, he went on the offensive.  During that season, we five found ourselves laid out flat at least once a month.  It was uncanny.  People around us were worried.  Our mission prayed for us and even anointed our family with oil in prayerful expectation that God would heal us (James 5:14-15).  

Here we are just minding our own business, right before getting sucker-punched with sickness. 

One morning in late October I awoke very sick.  Since we had three young kids I drove myself to the ER.  I was immediately admitted into the ICU with a rare and terrible virus.  That night, Abby Grace (then 2) awoke with a blazing fever and blisters all over her face.  Mark packed up all the kids and took them into the ER.  She was released and they spent the day resting while I remained in the ICU.  That night, Mark got terribly ill with a horrible stomach virus that kept him on the bathroom floor.  In capacitated, he called my BF Jen to come over and take care of the kids while he puked the night away.  The next day he took Abby Grace back in for a followup and I was released at the same time.  It was a painful week, to say the least!  But the Lord was faithful.  We did recover and we eventually entered a season of health again.  Not to mention, the human adoption that so sweetly mirrors our Father's adoption of us through Christ did indeed happen.  So there. Our God reigns. 

Our Adoption Story Part 10--More bad news from Kuhn Joe

If you are reading this blog for the first time, I am in the midst of retelling our faith journey to adopting Rebekah.  She has been our daughter for two years now (our 2nd Gotcha Day was just a couple days ago!).  Bringing her into our family was truly a work of the Lord and I wanted to share the story with you.  I know many readers are in the pursuit of adoption and my hope is that our journey will encourage you.  Scroll down and start with Part 1 if you want the whole scoop. 

As I mentioned yesterday, I finally spoke with our lawyer, Kuhn Joe, a few months after our initial contact with him.  He shocked me when he told me that Rebekah had already been told about our adoption wishes, when we were only just beginning to determine whether or not we could even pursue it. While that news was in itself hard to bear, his second announcement was even more troubling to me.  He informed me that legally, Deer's grandmother had to give her consent for us to adopt her.

I was truly shocked.  Her grandmother had brought her to the orphanage when she was five years old and Rebekah had not heard from her nor seen her since that time.  The orphanage had told us some things that caused me great anxiety about her grandmother's condition and willingness to consent.  She hadn't been in Rebekah's life for over five years.  Because Rebekah's mom and dad had passed away, and because her grandmother hadn't been involved in her life, I just assumed that her biological family didn't actually have a legal voice in our adoptive pursuit.  Boy was I wrong.

Kuhn Joe told me that he would have to find her and meet with her and begin to explain our wishes to her.  We had no idea where to find her.  The orphanage knew the area of the country in which to look for her, but no one had an address or phone number (did she even have an address and phone number!?).  Similar to wondering how in the world we would find a Thai lawyer, I wondered how we would find her grandma.

And finding her was only the beginning of this hurdle.  She then had to be told news of her granddaughter, news of this random American family wanting to adopt her, and then somehow someone would have to communicate to her what the legal process was like and what role she would be asked to play.  Kuhn Joe was very concerned about extortion, which is exceedingly common in Thailand.

He closed the phone call by saying in broken English that he would go look for her soon and contact me after he found her.  I hung up and burst into tears.  It felt like too much. I couldn't imagine that he would even be able to find her.  And if he did what would he say?  What would she say?

Our Adoption Story Part 9--Word from Kuhn Joe

If you'd like to hear our adoption story from Part 1, scroll down to the beginning.  Thanks for tuning in to God's story! 

In early 2008 I had a phone call with Kuhn Joe.  No, our kind lawyer did not call us, I called him.  Several times.  And finally got through.  I was in the early stages of learning that no one would ever actually call me regarding this adoption.  If I wanted progress, I would be doing the calling.

"I got your proposal in the mail.  Did you get our money?  What's the plan?  How are you going to help us adopt Deer?"

He went on to provide me with a surprising and painful explanation of the next steps.  First, Deer had to be told everything.  We had truly hoped to keep our adoptive efforts a secret from her, because we knew it was very possible that our efforts would fail and that we would not ultimately be allowed to adopt her.  We wanted to protect her sweet little ten-year-old heart.  We wanted everything to move forward and then, one day, when our efforts were a success, we would ask her if she wanted to come home with us.  We wanted her to have a say in the end--at her age, we felt like her consent to being adopted was a must.  But we didn't want her to be caught up in the legal battle prior to that decision.

Kuhn Joe informed me, "That's not the Thai way.  The Im Jai staff already told her about the adoption.  She already knows you want to adopt her."

I was crushed.  It felt like someone punched me.  We knew God had called us to walk blindly by faith and try with all our might to bring her into our family.  But we never felt like God had said it was a done deal.  We felt the Spirit saying, "Trust Me.  Follow Me."  But never, "This will be successful."

To know that this child that I loved as my own was now on this faith journey with us was incredibly hard news for my heart to bear.  "But Lord," I cried, "She has already lost so much.  How can we ask her to possibly lose more?"  I felt responsible for dragging her into yet another risky situation where she might yet lose again.  It felt very, very heavy.

Now, not only did we have to trust the Lord to handle our hearts and our emotions and our joys and sorrows, we had to trust Him to handle hers--the risks that we caused and the position that we put her in.  It was a new level of faith for me.

Kuhn Joe had a second announcement for me that was an equal blow to this one.  Believe me, I was a basket case by the time I got off the phone with him.  I'll share that one tomorrow.